Fic: The Mute Shepherd (McKay/Sheppard, R)

[sgasesa-admin.livejournal.com]

Title: The Mute Shepherd
Author: auburnnothenna
Recipient: meansgirl
Story Length: 34417 words
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard
Rating: R/Mature
Disclaimer: Neither Stargate: Atlantis or Stargate SG-1 are mine. This story is written strictly for the entertainment. No profit is derived from anything herein.
Author's Notes: I have made free with SG-1 and with names from SGU, which I have never seen an episode of, and adapted things I've heard about it to fit my own idea of how the Stargate 'verse should develop. Do not expect this to conform to canon post SGA OR SG-1's final episodes. Set post-SGA Season Five, so everything before that is fair game. Rodney McKay and Jennifer Keller's canon relationship is referenced.
Betas: Anon until reveal.
Characters: John Sheppard, Rodney McKay, Jennifer Keller, Cameron Mitchell, Vala Mal Doran, Teal'c, Daniel Jackson, Jack O'Neill, Jeannie Miller, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan, Richard Woolsey.

Summary: John's never been able to ask for what he wants, but sometimes silence itself is the sin.

( The Mute Shepherd )

Comments

[keiramarcos]

I sort of hated Jeannie when she said that Rodney might love John but he'd never be in love with him. I wanted to slap her.

Great story!

[(Anonymous)]

Jeannie's so busy keeping Rodney's ego in check that she forgets she isn't infallible either.

[gottalovev.livejournal.com]

that was fantastic. the one I wanted to slap myself was John, when he said nothing at first to Cam. And Jennifer (while you didn't turn her into a total bitch, that was appreciated). of course John did all of the self-flagellating after that, but I could not blame Rodney to be mad one bit. the resolution was good, too, a really nice read!

[(Anonymous)]

Heh. Jeannie took care of the slapping for you.

[taste-is-sweet.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure I have words enough to tell you how much I loved this story. You had me nearly in tears at one point, when you'd written about what it meant to deny so much of who you were for so much of your life. And when you weren't getting me all misty-eyed you impressed me with the administrative and military stuff that felt accurate without being at all boring (not an easy thing to accomplish). I loved your SG-1, and you even portrayed Jennifer as sympathetic and just horribly, horribly young; I was angry with her but never hated her character. I also thought I was the only one who ever wrote Keller/Mitchell. They'd be good together, wouldn't they? ::g::

In sum, this was a wonderful story. I wish you'd written it for me(!), but thank you so much anyway.

[(Anonymous)]

You had me nearly in tears at one point, when you'd written about what it meant to deny so much of who you were for so much of your life.

It isn't going to go away in a day or a week or years. That kind of damage is long term. Even if you don't start out ashamed, you still have to hide, and to hide, you must lie -- and we're all taught that liars are bad people. It taints everything.

and you even portrayed Jennifer as sympathetic and just horribly, horribly young; I was angry with her but never hated her character.

Yes! That is what I wanted - not to demonize her. She's half Rodney's age. She's got a lot of mistakes ahead of her.

(And I think Keller and Mitchell would be absolutely perfect for each other. They're both so gosh-darned wholesome.)

[scififreak.livejournal.com]

Okay, this is *really* good. You did a great job with characterization and plot. I honestly felt the most for John in this fic. Yes, a lot of people got hurt by his silence, but that would have happened *anyway*. It was a no-win situation. He was trying to be a friend to both parties and that rarely works.

I do hope Cam can forgive him someday. He was the one truely innocent person in the whole mess but probably the one who could most understand John's reasonings and see the situation with a bit more perspective than anyone else.

[(Anonymous)]

Yes, a lot of people got hurt by his silence, but that would have happened *anyway*.

If he'd said to Cam that Keller and Rodney were dating, a lot of people wouldn't have gotten hurt as badly. So he did make a serious mistake, one that wasn't necessary. Cam's the kind of guy who would forgive him eventually, though.

Dear admin:

[mecurtin.livejournal.com]

The link at the bottom of the story doesn't point back to this entry.

[scarlettandblue.livejournal.com]

I'm just blown away by this story.
So good.
Sheppard is so him, it's painful to read, his fear
his belief no one will accept who he is, and even when
he gets what he's always wanted he really doesn't believe it's actual
love. that Rodney really cares. It was so beautiful and real.
Meansgirl is so lucky to have you Santa!!!

[(Anonymous)]

Aw, thank you very much. I hope she likes it as much as you do.

[mecurtin.livejournal.com]

Dear Author:

I'm pretty sure I know who you are, based on sentence structure and Jeannie's characterization.*g* Great job! A masterpiece of PassiveAggressive!John. chorus: Oh, John. And SelfSabotaging!John -- and oh man, I *really* believe that part. He is the *ideal* guy to self-sabotage by saying nothing, and to internalize all kinds of crap from being closeted.

It had been an anchor, weighing John down every day of his life. He'd had to fight it to just not drown, but when it was gone, he'd been left thrashing wildly, making a mess of his life and everyone around him. He hadn't known what he was doing, only what he wanted.

This really sums it up. Excellent.

Did you mean us to know that: Knowing if I trusted someone and was wrong it could cost me the Air Force and a court-martial, maybe even jail time -- has not been true for 15 years? Leaving the service, yes, but not court-martial or jail, that was supposed to be the upside of DADT. I wasn't sure how unreliable John was supposed to be.

[(Anonymous)]

No matter what I write the prose style seems pretty much the same, so I've little doubt you've identified me. :)

I wasn't sure how unreliable John was supposed to be.

Pretty damn unreliable, everything that goes in and comes out goes through that filter of self-loathing. It's hyperbole, of course, too, but he has been in the service for more than fifteen years and most of his coping mechanisms were probably shaped before DADT.

[enviropony.livejournal.com]

Okay, I haven't finished reading the story yet, but I have to make this comment in case I don't get a chance to, later: I love you forever for giving Caldwell's wings to John. It made me sad that the change in Caldwell's attitude toward John wasn't explored that well in canon (I just remember one deleted scene, really), and I adore stories that touch on that change in a deep or significant way.

[(Anonymous)]

It did seem that the antagonism between John and Caldwell eased over the years. Which makes sense. They worked together enough to come to understand and respect each other.

[seekergeek.livejournal.com]

Painful and perfect.

[(Anonymous)]

Thank you so much.

[mad_maudlin]

::flail::

::recover::

This was absolutely gorgeous and multidimensional--from incorporating the SGU characters, to the details of military work, to the personalities involved. I was pretty sure you were just going to let John suffer in silence the whole fic until Mitchell showed up, and then I realized you were going to make EVERYBODY suffer in John's silence--and yet you write a sympathetic and well-rounded Keller, too, even when she's screwing up. And just when I thought you'd broken them all, Rodney surprises everybody by being not quite the teaspoon he seemed. But still enough of a teaspoon to be true to canon.

You paint such a gorgeous picture of our guys, but all the other characters in their orbits shine just as brightly. I adore this fic.

[(Anonymous)]

Oh, no, John doesn't suffer alone. Everyone pays the piper in one fashion or another. I very much didn't want Jennifer to be a villain in this; she screws up, but maybe she grows up too. John has twenty years on her and he screws up too.

[beachlass.livejournal.com]

Oh, I loved this like burning.

[(Anonymous)]

Sweet! Thank you.

[rissabby.livejournal.com]

Happy cookies! I want some.

I liked your Jeannie. IMO, she's right about Rodney wanting the whole dream. What she doesn't realize is that part of Rodney's genius, and his growth as a person, is his ability to adapt to new information. I don't know if Rodney loves John as romantically as John loves him, but Rodney does love him. And that, plus Atlantis equals a good relationship, I think.

I have a cold. I hope my comment makes sense.

I knew your story was going to end up with Rodney and John together from the header. But, I also thought it was working really well as a tragedy/ character-study. I wouldn't have been disappointed if you didn't want to give it a happy ending. But... it's more Santa-ish this way anyhow.

[(Anonymous)]

she's right about Rodney wanting the whole dream.

There's two sorts of dreams, though, aren't there? The kind you work hard to achieve and the kind you told you're supposed to want. I think the wife and kids and perfect family thing is one of the latter. If Rodney really wanted that? He'd have gone after it long since, the same way he went after his degrees.

I wouldn't have been disappointed if you didn't want to give it a happy ending.

One of my betas was of the opinion that the relationship might not last. Interesting thought, though: is it necessary for both people to love each other equally and in the exact same way? Romantic love is a relatively new idea in human society. Possibly we blind ourselves to a lot of other options with the pursuit of that particular dream.

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Reading this story was the highlight of my day yesterday. Thank you for writing it with such clear, believable and well-sustained emotion. John broke my heart in this and I loved it. It was nice that you didn't hold back from showing John's complicity in creating the mess with Keller, Rodney and Mitchell, his own awareness of that complicity, and his taking the flak when it all fell to pieces as it was doomed to, all with just the right amount of angst. Rodney was witty and justifiably hurt and angry; Jack was hilarious in his dry understatement; Mitchell didn't make me want to slap him, which is saying something; and Keller was rather believably caught in an uncomfortable position. The SG-1 characters fit in seamlessly, speaking as someone who hasn't seen much of the series. I liked little things like Rodney seeking protection with Ronon, the paperwork details at the Pentagon, and the controlled frenzy of organization before Atlantis headed home. If anything could be changed, I would wish that the ending had taken longer, focused more on John's emotional satisfaction than the sex (although the sex was hot!), because we'd been with him for so long, believing he could never have what he ultimately found himself getting. Although it could be because I read the last part so quickly in enjoying it!

[auburnnothenna.livejournal.com]

Mitchell didn't make me want to slap him, which is saying something


I have much the same reaction to Mitchell. much of the time. In canon and fanon, he's just a little too perfect. Because of that I worked hard to show he was absolutely innocent in this scenario.

And yes, it could have been even longer, but I tend to lose interest once the characters are happy.

[tzzzz.livejournal.com]

That was great! Thanks for writing.

[auburnnothenna.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[meansgirl.livejournal.com]

Oh, Santa! I loved this, and I apologize for taking so long to read and comment. This completely brightened an otherwise difficult week. Your John is just the way I like him. And the team and Atlantis! Rodney! Woolsey! I can't even coherently list all the things I loved about this. Angsty John being morally questionable because of his big awkward love, team dynamics, and excellent porn! Some of my very favorite things!

Thank you so much, this was fantastic!

[(Anonymous)]

I really apologize for the presence of Keller in this, but the plot didn't make sense without her (and I suffered a case of brain freeze trying to come up with anything else - I definitely over-extended this year). It does end up McKay and Sheppard and happy, with the end of DADT, which you mentioned in your requests. Anyway, I hope it really did please you or at least not terribly disappoint and thank you for saying you liked it even if you didn't.

[raincitygirl.livejournal.com]

Oh my God, this is so AWESOME!!!!!!!!!

[auburnnothenna.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[folavril.livejournal.com]

Just awesome - great read all the way through!

[auburnnothenna.livejournal.com]

This made me feel good. Thank you.

[longtimegone]

Yay fic! This was great. :)

[auburnnothenna.livejournal.com]

Many thanks. \o/

[silverraven.livejournal.com]

Absolutely fantastic! Painful at times, you just about broke my heart along with John's. I loved your characterization, the whole thing was beautiful.

[auburnnothenna.livejournal.com]

I can never come up a way to deal with EatG that isn't painful for someone. Thank you.

[carmencatalina.livejournal.com]

This was wonderful - so much good stuff!

I'm a SGU fan, so I was happy to see some of the characters show up (even if your portrayal of Rush doesn't match my fannish ideas) - I loved how irritated Rodney was with Rush, they would indeed drive one another insane, and that is all kinds of awesome.

This made me realize yet again how much I miss some of these characters, not just Sheppard and Rodney (because obviously!), but Vala and Woolsey and a lot of other people. Woolsey with his Scotch and cigars, that was such a nice touch.

Happy holidays, thanks for great fic!

[auburnnothenna.livejournal.com]

It's inevitable that my Rush wouldn't match anyone else's, since I've never seen SGU. I just snag things to use. Characterization was all about furthering my plot.

I miss these characters too. l don't have a new show to distract me either. Is Sad.

WOW! WOW! And Again......WOW! I Say

[yinkawills.livejournal.com]

This was ALL KINDS OF AWESOME,REQUIRING ME TO DECLAIM IN CAPS!

Soory about that, but this story was just that good. It had everything. Brilliant characterisation. Believeable dilemmas. SOo much of the comments already made, reflect my view of it-

>There's two sorts of dreams, though, aren't there? The kind you work hard to achieve and the kind you told you're supposed to want. I think the wife and kids and perfect family thing is one of the latter. If Rodney really wanted that? He'd have gone after it long since, the same way he went after his degrees.<

Absolutely

>One of my betas was of the opinion that the relationship might not last.<

I’m surprised at this. Neither of them are youngsters. Both of them have feelings of passion and love and friendship for each other, knowing the less attractive side of the other’s character. Sounds promising to me :):)

>Angsty John being morally questionable because of his big awkward love, team dynamics, and excellent porn!<

*nodding* What she said!

Srsly though, because I like Jeannie,and she was drawn here as being quite insightful, I spent most of the last part of the story scared stiff waiting for the 'other shoe to drop'-i.e Rodney to have been primarily on the rebound. Not because I didnt think the relationship was viable, but because I thought that was what was being set up.

Glad that didnt happen. Because I sensed a degree of 'unreliable narrator' about John that made it very likely that Rodney was much nearer to loving him-and wanting a relationship- than he realised.

Brilliant writing- I think I recognise the style, and ma pretty sure you're one of my favourite, much read authors.

Yinka

Re: WOW! WOW! And Again......WOW! I Say

[auburnnothenna.livejournal.com]

because I like Jeannie,and she was drawn here as being quite insightful,

Jeannie's more insightful than Rodney, but she filters through the bias of what she wanted. She hasn't been there to see the real depth of what Rodney feels for John, either. So she's wrong this time. Thankfully,

[ozsaur.livejournal.com]

That was fascinating and insightful. Everyone acted in ways that felt realistic for them. I can see Keller making this kind of mistake, not because she is a horrible person, but because she is so young - and everyone is guilty of doing stupid stuff when they're young.

John was especially well drawn. Keeping this kind of secret is so damaging. I really could see John doing something this hurtful. He isn't a villain either, just really screwed up.

Really wonderful story.

[auburnnothenna.livejournal.com]

I can see Keller making this kind of mistake, not because she is a horrible person, but because she is so young - and everyone is guilty of doing stupid stuff when they're young.

That is exactly how wanted her to come across!

[devin-chain.livejournal.com]

Found my way here via mecurtin's rec. Wonderful, painful story. So, so good.

[auburnnothenna.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[elizaria.livejournal.com]

This was so very wonderful, in all it's hurtful human glory.

[auburnnothenna.livejournal.com]

Yes, they're all flawed. That's what l always loved about SGA.

[auburnnothenna.livejournal.com]

Not-very Christmas-y, but it worked out for everyone in the end. Glad you liked!