sga_santa | Fic: The Talk - Part 2 of 2 (McKay/Sheppard, Keller/McKay, R)

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Title: The Talk
Author:

tzzzz
Recipient:

theninth
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard, McKay/Keller
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I don't own SGA.
Author's Notes: The prompt was some combination of team friendship, action, adventure, non-schmoopy mcshep, Rodney/Jennifer, femmeslash, slash, funny, dark, and gut wrenching. I hope I hit at least some of those. Mild spoilers for Search and Rescue, Trinity, McKay and Mrs. Miller, Epiphany, Doppelganger, The Last Man, Miller's Crossing, The Storm/Eye, Tracker, and Tao of Rodney. Thanks to

dossier for betaing.
Summary: Jennifer drags John along on a mission so they can talk about Rodney. Things do not go as well as she planned.

( The Talk - Part 1 of 2 )

"We found Colonel Sheppard," Corporal Hendricks announced on the radio.

"I just found Sheppard," Ronon's growl replied.

It was going to be one of those missions Anne Teldy thought with a mental groan. "I take it you aren't both in the same place?"

"No, ma'am, Ronon followed tracks and we stayed on the trail," Hendricks answered. "Colonel Sheppard, at least the one we found, is unconscious. I don't see any obvious head wound, just the previous injuries Dr. Keller described over the radio."

"My Sheppard doesn't have any injuries," Ronon answered. "He didn't go down when I stunned him and he won't talk. He has Keller hostage but he's moving back in your direction voluntarily. Should I shoot him?"

"Hold off for now," Anne ordered. Sheppard had been very specific about Ronon's trigger finger. "If he becomes violent, you have my permission to fire, but let's not add any other problems to this situation until the scientists can explain to me why we have two of the colonel. Hendricks, bring your Sheppard back here."

"Yes, Ma'am."

McKay was still down in the hollow with the device, though Anne knew he'd been listening to the conversation over the radio. The fact that he hadn't said anything meant that he probably had no clue what was going on.

Anne moved over to where Allison was sitting, going over data on her computer. "What's going on?"

"It has to be the device. This didn't happen on any of our previous trips here. There's no doubt the machine is somehow Ascension related; I just got word in from Linguistics. They think that the proper translation is, 'only through revelation of secrets can one release the burdens that separate souls from their immortal destiny.'"

"It doesn't say anything about splitting people into their good and bad selves, does it?"

Allison shook her head. "The device doesn't have enough power to do that."

"Wrong, wrong, absolutely wrong!" said a voice from the hole a few feet away. McKay's whining was no more pleasing amplified by echo.

"Thanks for that astute assessment, Dr. McKay," Anne replied. "Do you have anything helpful to add?"

"The device doesn't have the power, but the EM field does. This whole planet has a strange magnetic field and the Ancients tapped into that. Instead of making technology go haywire, it overloads technology that was built specifically to compensate for it. It's basically raw power in the air. I suspect that the Sheppard that Ronon shot isn't even real, but a cleaver manipulation of fields to produce an image and manipulate matter."

"A hologram?" Allison asked.

"If you want to oversimplify things, then yes," McKay replied. Anne was happy not to have to actually see his put-upon, sour face.

"I'll oversimplify," Anne replied. "A hologram Sheppard kidnapped Dr. Keller because in order to Ascend Sheppard needs to get his secrets out into the open?"

McKay snorted. "Which of course means that Jennifer is doomed, because getting Sheppard to reveal anything personal is like a land war in Asia: you can never win."

"Can you shut the device down?" Anne asked. She didn't want to hear her CO's secrets anymore than he wanted to tell them. In fact, she'd long suspected that she should never ask, because Sheppard couldn't tell. The question was what kidnapping Dr. Keller had to do with all of this, other than the fact that if someone was going to get kidnapped, it was always Dr. Keller.

"I'll see what I can do," McKay replied.

***

Teyla looked down at John worriedly. His knee was swollen to the size of a cabassa fruit and the wound on his arm was hot with infection. The most disturbing thing, however, was the fact that he remained unconscious.

"John?" she asked, shaking him a little.

She held her breath but was rewarded by a hand weakly swatting at her where she gripped his good arm. "He is awake!" Teyla yelled, knowing that Rodney would need the news.

"What happened?" John groaned. "Who stunned me?"

Teyla frowned. "We were hoping you could tell us, John. Corporal Hendricks found you unconscious."

"Keller?"

"She was not with you. Ronon is watching her and something that looks like you that has taken her."

"I know," he groaned, trying to sit up. Teyla eventually helped him, shoving a backpack behind him to keep him propped up. "It took Keller. I tried to run after it, but my knee gave out. I followed the trail but then it felt like I got hit by a stunner blast. Next think I know, I'm waking here." Ronon had stunned the thing the looked like John. That could explain how he came to be unconscious. Maybe something with John's ATA connection to the machine.

"There is a machine here, designed to help a person Ascend. It calls for a person to divulge his secrets," Teyla said. She honestly dreaded the effects of such a machine. John was a very private man and though it often bothered Teyla, it was not her right, or the right of others, to force John to be more open against his will

"Shut it off!" John ordered. He looked more distressed than Teyla had seen him in most combat situations. She gave his good arm a comforting squeeze.

"Rodney and Dr. Porter are trying, but because it is powered by the planet's magnetic field, they are not having much success. If you can end this with a word, I suggest you do so. The other you has already harmed Dr. Keller and we do not know if it is capable of more. It will not speak, so you must."

John shook his head. "I can't."

Teyla had suspicions about the nature of John's secret. She'd known him for six years now. She fought by his side, named her child after him, loved him as deeply as a person could love another without a romantic bond and she felt she knew him inside out. It was no secret that he disliked Jennifer Keller, but John was a good man. He would not let Jennifer die. "John, I know you're reticent, but Jennifer's life is at stake."

John shook his head. "McKay will shut the device off." Of course. John always put his faith in Rodney to save the day. Teyla always dreaded the day when Rodney did not come through for him. She hoped that today was not that day.

Teyla set her jaw. It was unfair for John to expect Rodney solve everything when the only thing that stood between life and death for Jennifer was mere words. "Whatever animosity you clearly harbor towards Jennifer is causing this device to harm her. It has clawed at her face. She's frightened and hurt and the thing that has her is bringing her back here to confront you. Night is falling. John, please."

John sighed. "Tell Ronon to shoot it." Of course John would rather die himself than confess what Teyla suspected were strong feelings of jealousy towards Jennifer. Teyla could not come up with any other reasons for the animosity. She genuinely liked Jennifer and had suspected that John would too, given a chance.

"Ronon stunned it, to no effect. It appears you received the effects of the stun blast instead. Sergeant Mendez thinks the wound on your arm is from a gunshot. You shot the thing that attacked you but wounded yourself."

"Tell him to shoot it," John insisted.

"No," Teyla replied in the firmest way she knew how, trying to channel Charin at her most commanding. "You will not risk yourself further injury simply because you do not want to talk."

Suddenly, two of the marines that had been pulling on the rope that went into the hole finally succeed in yanking Rodney out. "Is he okay?" Rodney asked, rushing up to John. John looked away, gasping and squirming against Teyla's grasp. John didn't want to see Rodney, which only confirmed Teyla's suspicions. She had suspected that John preferred men for some time now, and it wasn't a large step from there to conclude he especially preferred Rodney.

"John, does your secret somehow involved Rodney and Jennifer? If it does, you need to tell him."

"No," John replied. Teyla could see by the stubborn glint in his eyes that she was right.

"John, you know it is the right thing to do," she admonished. "You must confess your feelings for your own good as well as to stop this situation."

"What feelings?" Rodney asked, oblivious as usual. "And what is it with bad things dressing up as you?" Rodney knelt down next to John, putting a hand on his arm. "What's the matter? Are you all right?"

Teyla observed the two of them. That look of worry and concern on Rodney's face was familiar, but just as haunting. How could John think that telling Rodney of his feelings would hurt him? Rodney clearly cared. Even if things between them were not how Teyla suspected, Rodney would never abandon his place by John's side.

"I'm fine," John whispered. He was always fine, even if it was obvious to them all exactly how much he was really hurting.

Rodney rolled his eyes. "Yes, yes, only a flesh wound. If that's how you want to play it, Colonel Stoic, fine, but get your doppelganger to let go of my girlfriend and we'll call it a day."

"Rodney, I'm sorry, I don't--"

"Fuck you, John! I know you don't like to talk about your feelings, but this thing attacked you and it attacked Jennifer and if it takes a turn like that beast you faced in the Cloister, then we're all in danger, so suck it up and say whatever you have to say so we can go home relatively unharmed."

"Rodney," John began, but was interrupted by Ronon on the radio.

"We're approaching your position," Ronon announced. "The thing is getting restless. If you can fix it, McKay, do it now, because--"

Ronon's voice cut off with some loud grunts and the sound of a struggle. Teyla could easily identify the sound of a fistfight. Ronon's sounds were distinctive, but the other fighter did not use John's signature style. The consciousness that controlled it must be hidden in John somewhere, because it clearly lacked John's careful restraint.

Something slammed down, accompanied by the sounds of harsh breathing. Teyla knew before he spoke that Ronon had been defeated.

"Ronon!" Rodney shouted into his earpiece. "Ronon, what's happening?"

A few panted breaths and a moment later Ronon replied. "Thing took me by surprise. It has my gun."

Rodney's eyes went wide with a look of shear terror. Teyla felt it too. She'd once joked that John Sheppard would rather die before he talked about his feelings. She really hoped that she had been wrong, but the tight knot in her stomach belied that hope.

"John," she whispered. "You must tell Rodney, now."

***

The thing, Sheppard, whatever it was, finally bothered to yank the gag from Jennifer's face. It's skin felt cold, like a reptile and though it's chest moved up and down, she didn't feel a breath warm on her cheek like she should.

She'd heard about what Sheppard had done to the Genii during the storm, but she'd found it hard to reconcile those deaths with the flirtatious surfer-boy she often found in her care. Now, she could feel the cold-blooded killer withing him. And like one of those optical illusions, once she saw the hidden message, she couldn't stop.

Sheppard came back from PX9-342 looking like he took a bath in a butcher's shop and none of the blood had been his own. He'd starved Todd the Wraith practically to death and then convinced a man to kill himself in order to save Rodney's sister. She'd been grateful at the time, because she didn't want Rodney to have to lose his sister, but now it sent chills up her spine.

This Thing was Sheppard, even if it wasn't flesh and blood. And in its dark eyes there was murder. And no remorse. The only reason it hadn't snapped her neck yet was because it wanted to do it in front of Rodney. She could feel it.

It had smiled when it cut her face with its bare hands. It have even licked just a small amount of the blood form its fingers with a satisfied purr, like a cat lapping it milk. Unlike the Sheppard she'd once seen in her dreams, the sadistic pleasure wasn't an act to provoke her terror. It was more authentic than any of the fake smiles she'd ever seen on Sheppard's face.

Sheppard said he wanted to do what was best for Rodney, but if that were true, he would have made more of an effort with Jennifer. Rodney said all those teasing emails and death threats with lemons had been just part of their friendship. He'd said that insults were how John said he liked someone, but Jennifer had always hated the edge of cruelty she'd detected in the taunts. She'd told herself that boys would be boys, but now it was clear. Somewhere deep down, Sheppard was creating this monster and that monster wanted Jennifer dead and Rodney to suffer for ever having known her.

She screamed, trying to pull away, but the Thing kept Ronon's blaster held tight to her neck, growling.

"It has the gun to Keller's head," Ronon shouted into his radio. "Get backup."

The Thing didn't react. Instead it moved its hand to grip Jennifer's neck, tight enough to choke off her screaming. When she stopped, it released and petted her. She couldn't see its face, but she felt the smile against her cheek where it held her tight.

"Jennifer," Ronon said. "Calm down. Don't move."

Ronon moved in closer, but the Thing hissed at him, warning him to keep back.

"It doesn't want to hurt you, Ronon," Jenifer whimpered. "Just stay away."

Big surprise, Ronon didn't listen. He darted in, but the Thing easily evaded him, firing a warning shot close enough to singe Ronon's dreadlocks before returning the gun to Jennifer. The smell of burning hair permeated the woods, choking Jennifer with fear like she had never felt before. Even when she'd been captured by Kiryk, Jennifer had always felt that someone was coming for her, that Rodney or Ronon or even Colonel Sheppard would die before they let anything happen to her, but Ronon was here and he couldn't do anything. Rodney was working to disable the technology to no avail and Sheppard himself was the enemy.

Then Major Teldy and a few of the marines burst into the clearing. Teldy didn't hesitate to hand Ronon a gun. They had the Thing covered from all angles, but it hadn't reacted to the stun before. Maybe it couldn't be killed and if it couldn't, then Jennifer was in the crossfire.

She locked eyes with Ronon, remembering what he'd told her to do during a hostage situation. He nodded almost imperceptibly and she went boneless, expecting the thing to release her with the unexpected weight like how she'd practiced with Ronon, but it didn't. It stayed strong and stoic, the gun still pressed hard against her chin.

"Dr. Keller," Teldy said, "Stay right where you are. It hasn't done anything to you yet. We just have to wait for Colonel Sheppard to shut it down." Why didn't she take the shot? Why didn't Ronon? It was obvious that the Thing was never going to let Jennifer go.

"No," Jennifer whimpered, well aware that she sounded like a lost little girl and not caring one iota. Sheppard wouldn't shut it down. He hated her and she'd made him talk and he would rather have her dead and keep Rodney as his friend without having to pretend to like her.

"All Colonel Sheppard has to do is release his burden. He's talking to Dr. McKay right now. Just stay calm. It's an Ascension machine." An Ascension machine like the one that had nearly killed Rodney? Jennifer didn't like those odds. She struggled, trying to pry the Thing's hands off her, but it was like fighting a robot. It was as hard as steel.

"Stop fighting, Jennifer," Teldy ordered again. "Just relax and everything will be fine."

Except everything wasn't fine. "Ronon, I want you to shoot--" came Sheppard's voice over the radio. Jennifer finally let the tears that had been welling up in her eyes this entire time lose. She wanted this to be over. She still didn't understand why Ronon hadn't taken the shot.

"Nobody shoot!" Rodney interrupted. "He's crazy. If you fire whatever biofeedback loop that thing is generating will kill him!"

Jennifer both hated Rodney and admired his empathy at the same time. She was his girlfriend. He should be more concerned about her welfare than Sheppard's. But, on the other hand, Sheppard didn't deserve to die, even if this Thing was just his inner sociopath.

"Ronon," Sheppard's voice returned. "If you kill me, that thing will go away. I want you to do it." And Jennifer found that she wanted Ronon to do it too. She was only twenty-six. She had a successful medical career in front of her, a boyfriend who loved her, a father who depended on her, a full long life when she planned to have a family and see Earth again and use all the insights she'd gained working in Pegasus to ease the suffering of people on Earth. She deserved to live. She was too young to die and she was just over this - the Pegasus Galaxy, getting kidnapped every other mission she went on, sitting on her hands and wondering if Rodney would come back in one piece, dealing with his stupid man-crush on Colonel Sheppard.

Sheppard had said himself that he didn't deserve to live when it was his life against someone younger. But Sheppard had saved lives too. Maybe more than Jennifer ever could. And she could be replaced by any other doctor. Sheppard was the child of the Ancients. But he didn't want it. He didn't fight for life, but threw himself at death every chance he got. She'd choose herself over him. Sheppard would choose to save Jennifer. But Rodney. Rodney would never choose Jennifer first. She knew it somehow deep down and she let out pitiful moan just thinking about it. It hurt more than the throbbing wounds on her cheeks or the fact that she might die. That the man she loved wouldn't do the one thing it took to save her, which was just to keep his mouth shut.

Shoot, she begged in her head. End it. Maybe inside she was just as sick as the Thing because Sheppard's death would be a relief. Without him, she and Rodney would have a perfect life together. They'd even be free to move back to Earth to start a family if she wanted. This would all be over. The curtain a swan song and some tears but then life would pick up where this terrible space adventure ended.

But of course Rodney would never make things easy. "Don't listen to him, Ronon! This is one of the orders you're not supposed to follow!"

Ronon looked determined, but torn. His finger hesitate on the trigger. Jennifer's heart pounded in anticipation. Could Ronon kill the man who had rescued him from a life of running? Ronon might have loved her once, but he, too, had always been under Sheppard's spell.

"Don't fire," Teldy ordered. "Maybe we can reason with it."

"Already tried," Ronon grunted.

Sure, if Ronon saying telling a Thing that wasn't Sheppard that it wasn't like Sheppard so it should let Jennifer go counted as reasoning.

"You have a purpose," Teldy said, stepping forward and lowering her weapon. The other marines kept their weapons trained on the Thing. "You are here to help Colonel Sheppard Ascend. You know he can't do that if he's responsible for someone's death. You won't be helping him."

The Thing didn't move, but the gun to Jennifer's temple backed off just a little.

"Give me the gun," Teldy said.

The thing shook its head.

"He won't tell. So you need to end this. He isn't ready."

The Thing tightened its grip on Jennifer once again.

"No!" Teldy shouted, realizing her mistake. "Don't hurt her. I'll radio again. I'll tell him that he has to grow as a person or whatever you want. He'll do it. A life is at stake and you know that's how to get to him. That's why you're threatening her. Just wait!"

The Thing's grip tightened until Jennifer could barely breathe. The gun dug into the soft skin of Jennifer's temple hard enough to bruise. She let out a sob, preparing to die for Sheppard's emotional immaturity.

She'd seen so many die on the operating table or just before it. She'd stopped wondering what they saw. The burden of that ontological uncertainty was just too great. Heaven existed, she reminded herself. If not Ascension, then Heaven like in Sunday school.

She clamped her eyes shut and waited for the shot to come.

***

John trembled, trying to ignore the pain in his arm and knee. He wanted to bolt to his feet, to pace, but he knew it wouldn't do any good. Motion, killing, planning, action, were all things he was good at. He was that guy. But talking? He couldn't talk. Ronon was there fighting a figment generated by John's own sick mind and John could stop it with a few little words, if only he had the courage. Silence had served him well his whole life. He didn't even know what he would be without his secrets.

Off he thought at the nearby machine. Stop. Don't kill her.

He wasn't surprised at the response. It was the feeling he called the Total Perspective Vortex, which showed his childish desire to keep his secrets against what he presumed was the great benefit of being an all knowing omnipotent being if he would just sit his silly mortal ass down, shut up and learn from the stupid Ancient machine that wanted him to Ascend.

"It has the gun to Keller's head," Ronon shouted over the radio. "Get backup."

The marines and Teldy scrambled up, following a life signs detector out into the forest.

"John," Rodney's voice shook. He had that look of overwhelming terror in his eyes that always made John's heart skip a beat.

John didn't want Keller hurt, or worse, but he didn't know what he could say to make it stop. He could have to tell his whole life story and then people would know and he wasn't ready for that. He hadn't even been able to share with his wife

"Please," Rodney pleaded. "It's been a while since I asked for anything big. Since, um, Doranda, in fact, even though we agreed never to mention that. But I know I've earned your trust back and I'd like to think we're friends and--"

"We are friends, Rodney. I just," John's breath caught. He could barely breath, the walls were closing in. There was no choice. He'd have to tell. He couldn't let Keller die. Rodney would never forgive him. He could never forgive himself. He looked at Teyla, pleadingly.

"I will wait over there with Sergeant Mehra and Dr. Porter," Teyla said with a nod. "I trust you will tell Rodney what you need to John. I promise, everything will be all right." She gave John's hand a supportive squeeze before leaving, but John couldn't see how everything would be all right, not when things would change so drastically.

John's throat felt dry. His heart pounded in his chest. He couldn't tell Rodney. Their friendship would be over. Even if Rodney could accept John's stupid crush, John wouldn't be able to behave normally if Rodney knew. Things would be awkward, especially after John's alter-ego kidnapped Rodney's soon-to-be fiancé and cut her goddamned face. Rodney might never forgive him.

"If you're going to do something, now would be the time, sir," Teldy's voice said over the radio. "It's making this growling sound. I think it will do it."

"Something has a gun to my girlfriend's head and you still won't trust me enough to talk to me!" Rodney shouted.

"I trust you," John insisted. After Doranda he hadn't been mad at Rodney for blowing up a solar system so much as he'd been mad at himself for letting his feelings for Rodney overwhelm his better judgement.

"Come on, John. The world won't come to an end. Just release your burden or whatever you have to do. I promise I won't think any less of you, John, please."

John gulped. He couldn't resist that voice and that look of genuine pain. Maybe a sick, jealous, sadistic part of him did want Keller dead. Maybe it would be a relief. Maybe if that was John's darkness he didn't deserve to live. He couldn't tell Rodney. He deserved to have a happy life with Keller and John and his secret were just in the way.

John reached for his radio. "Ronon, I want you to shoot--"

Rodney grabbed John's hand, activating his own radio and shouting, "Nobody shoot! He's crazy. If you fire whatever biofeedback loop that thing is generating will kill him!"

"Ronon," John wrestled his hand away from Rodney to hit the transmit button. "If you kill me, that thing will go away. I want you to do it."

"Don't listen to him, Ronon! This is one of the orders you're not supposed to follow!" Rodney shouted. Then, Rodney did something John never expected him to do. He hit John, hard, slapping him across the face. "Keeping your secrets is not worth your life, you asshole. You are not going to let your inability to talk kill my girlfriend and you are not going to let it take my best friend away from me. John," Rodney had tears in his eyes now. His voice cracked and strained. "Don't do this. Don't make me choose."

John remembered the promise he'd made to Jennifer. She was right at least that Rodney loved both of them and he deserved to have both of them in his life. "I'm sorry."

"Here," Rodney whispered. "I'll go first. When I was ten I was jealous of my baby sister so I put her in a basket on our neighbor's porch, but came back to get her half an hour later. I hacked into my state police records so I wouldn't have to pay 27 parking tickets. I think Zelenka is almost as smart as I am and I may have, once or twice, used his inspiration on a problem and called it my own. I had sex with Dr. Merrit, my thesis advisor when I was underage so he'd give me extra lab hours. I deserved to go to Siberia for who I was before, but I'm trying to be a better person now. I knew I was manipulating your friendship with that whole stupid Doranda thing. You're the best friend I've ever had and I love you and if something ever happens to you, I will build a goddamned time machine so I can get you back. No wait, you already know that, so stop being an asshole and just tell me. Make that thing go away and I'll tell you every secret I have."

John whimpered. He didn't know why he was so afraid. They were just words. Sticks and stones and all that. "Rodney, I," he gulped. He could do this. "I'm gay."

Rodney laughed. "That's it? That's not so bad. Do you really think anybody cares? Just so long as you're not going to start singing Cher songs on our missions, nothing will change. And I won't tell anybody. It'll be--"

"That's not it, Rodney. I'm gay and I don't want you to marry Keller. I want you to, um, be with me." John gasped. It was finally out there. Rodney knew and there was no going back.

Rodney opened and closed his mouth a few times, looking like he wanted to speak, but nothing came out.

"Whatever it was just disappeared," Teldy announced over the radio, startling both John and Rodney. "I think Dr. Keller's in shock, so Hendricks, Stevens, Ronon and I are heading straight for the gate. Mendez and Robinson are going to deliver the vaccine to the village. Everything good on your end?"

"We're all in one piece," John answered, gently pushing Rodney back and stumbling to his feet.

"The device seems to have shut down," Porter added from where she'd been taking readings near the hole John had fallen into not that long ago. It felt like ages - one epoch before he'd divulged his secret and one after.

Rodney looked shocked, his expression frozen somewhere between shock, wonder, and disbelief. John nudged him a little. "Rodney, it's time to go. We can talk about this later. Or not." John really hoped not.

Rodney startled back to life, fussing over John and dragging John's arm over his shoulder so John wouldn't have to put too much pressure on the bum knee. They stayed silent, trailing behind Teyla and Porter and Mehra on the long trip back towards the gate.

Night fell fast and while Ronon and a few of the marines pushed onwards to get Keller into medical care, Teldy came back to help them set up camp for the night.

John was surprised when Rodney tossed his sleeping bag into the tent with John. John knew he was in for eight hours without sleep, but Teldy was insistent that he needed rest and that she and Mehra and Teyla could perfectly take care of watch.

Rodney did his usually complaining, rustling, rolling into a comfortable position routine before settling on his back next to John. "You really meant that?" he whispered.

John rolled his eyes. So much for not talking about it. "It made the device turn off, didn't it?"

Rodney sighed. "I lied when I said things wouldn't change."

"I figured as much." John had been worrying about it for hours. How were they even going to work together? "We can switch the teams up, if you like. You could go with Lorne. Maybe take Ronon with you. I messed up my knee pretty good, so it's a good excuse to take some leave on Earth. I think we can be professional if we just give each other some space."

"You idiot," Rodney replied, rolling over again so now he was lying on his side, hovering above John. "I'm not going to want to see you any less." Even in the darkness, Rodney's eyes sparkled. "You just picked exactly the wrong time to tell me this. I was going to ask Jennifer to marry me."

"You should still do it. She's expecting it."

Rodney snorted. "And always wonder what I could've had with you?"

"Rodney, you're straight."

Rodney laughed at that. "I spill my guts to you and entirely miss the fact that I slept with my male thesis advisor."

John remembered Rodney saying that, but he'd been so freaked out at the time that it hadn't registered. "To get more lab time."

Rodney shrugged. "It wasn't exactly a hardship. Merrit was a good teacher in more ways than one. Plus, there's the one secret I didn't tell you."

"Yeah?" John asked, hope suddenly flowering like a delicate, impossible thing in his chest.

Rodney leaned down, placing a gentle kiss on John's lips. "I've always wanted to do that. But I thought you were straight."

John smiled, feeling joy like he'd only felt flying, free. Maybe the Ancients had it right about burdens and secrets and things. He pushed himself up a little to capture Rodney's lips again, deepening the kiss until he could barely hold back a groan.

Rodney pulled away looking flushed but not entirely happy. "But since there needs to be a gun to your head before you'll express you deep pining for me."

"I wasn't pining."

Rodney rolled his eyes. "Fine, your stoic manly secret desire for me. Since you only bothered to tell me now, after I finally found a woman I wanted to settle down with, we have a problem."

John's heart sank. "I'm sorry."

"I know you are, and you're going to be paying me back in blowjobs for a long time. But right now, no matter how much I might want to rip your clothes off, I'm not doing anything until I settle things with Jennifer."

Rodney reached over and gave John's cock just enough of a squeeze to make him really interested. "Sleep on that, asshole," Rodney replied even as he cuddled up next to John's good arm, pulling John close with an arm around John's waist and falling into a snoring slumber before John could even protest.

***

Jennifer watched Colonel Sheppard get wheeled out of the infirmary by Ronon, headed for his quarters to rest. She was glad to see him gone. She didn't want to admit it to anyone, especially when he looked so peaceful sleeping in the bed beside her, but Jennifer couldn't sleep with him around. It had been his face that had grinned down at her malevolently and his hands that had wound around her neck and his fingers that had scratched deep into the flesh of her cheeks. Luckily one of the Ancient devices they'd found was remarkable at treating scarring. She'd convince Dr. Biro to discharge her today and after a few weeks of light duty they could use the device and she'd be good as new so long as nothing happened.

Except for the fact that Sheppard would still be here and she'd still have to see him, work with him, and watch him walking down the corridors to take her by surprise at any second. Jennifer didn't think she could live with that. Even though her friends were here now and she honestly loved the city for more than just the people in it, she didn't think she could face the man who'd hurt her like that. She'd been so afraid but everyone seemed to think everything was fine. Sheppard had conquered his demons, Jennifer would recover. Rodney seemed nervous, but no worse for his best friend nearly killing his girlfriend. Sheppard himself had been practically giddy, meaning that whatever secret he'd told Rodney couldn't have been all that bad. How could he have gambled her life for something that changed nothing between them? She didn't believe what Allison told her about the Ascension machine. Jennifer knew the machine's true purpose - to bring subconscious desires to life. That was the only explanation.

She'd promised Sheppard that she wouldn't do anything to interfere with his friendship with Rodney, but he'd cut her face and held her at gunpoint, mediated by Ancient machine or not. At this point, Jennifer considered any promise she'd made to the man void.

Sheppard had always scared her a little with his dark side and now that she knew what he was truly capable of if let loose with no restrictions on his desires, she didn't think she could obey his orders any more. He wasn't the good man she thought he was, because the real secret hadn't been whatever he'd told Rodney. The real secret had been what lengths he'd go to not to reveal himself. The secret was that the creature that had taken her hostage was more Sheppard that the smiling, slouching facade that he used to lure people in and Jennifer wanted nothing to do with him.

Resolved, Jennifer pulled up the tablet computer they'd allowed her to work on. She didn't feel the need to express why she had to leave. She didn't want counseling so she could work with Sheppard and she didn't want to drag his name through the mud by making a fuss. He had served Atlantis well and she had no right to call that into question. She wouldn't be a victim.

She just copied a letter one of her nurses had written her a few months ago when the stress of her position had gotten to her, changed the names and dates and gave it her electronic signature. Apathy seemed to drown her and Jennifer was grateful for it's comforting blanket of emptiness. It was better than sorrow and far better than fear.

She paused for a second, wondering about Rodney, but she wouldn't be terrorized every day so he could stay in the city. He could come with her or not. Sure, she'd be a little heartbroken if he chose the city over her, but at this point she honestly didn't care. She was tired of being afraid and this was the straw that broke the camel's back. If Rodney couldn't see Sheppard for what he really was, than it was Rodney's problem. She was tired of making excuses for him. She'd love him flaws and all if he'd let her, but Jennifer had a feeling that Rodney was just as incapable of leaving this place as she was of staying.

Jennifer attached the letter to an email to Mr. Woolsey and pressed send. No going back.

Not a minute later, Rodney walked in the door, looking incredibly nervous and wringing his hands. It was kind of cute and Jennifer had to smile, but she was exhausted and not really in the mood for whatever fumbling comfort Rodney would try to offer her.

But instead of some awkward interrogation about how she was and if she'd be okay, he surprised her by saying, "We have to talk."

"I was about to say the same thing."

The End.