[identity profile] sgasesa-admin.livejournal.com posting in [community profile] sga_santa
Title: The Many Musings of One John Sheppard
Author: [livejournal.com profile] moose_happy
Recipient: [livejournal.com profile] shaddyr
Pairing: McShep
Rating: PG-13 for language
Disclaimer: Not my characters. Not my world. Definitely not any money made from them.

Author's Notes: I set out to write you a Bug!John fic, but that... didn't happen. I hope this is sufficiently amusing and non-angsty for you!

Summary: Rodney is a distraction, and John's not so hot at dealing with distractions.

---

John didn't know what Rodney was doing, except that it involved studying the wrecked dart a little too closely for his comfort. Too close for Cadman's comfort too, based on the careful distance she was keeping from it and McKay. John snorted. Not that he blamed her. She was probably scarred for life after sharing a brain with the man. At any rate, it seemed like that had all worked out for the better. Neither McKay nor Cadman had had to die, and John had gained a competent officer out of the mess.

John let his eyes drift back to McKay, who was rambling scientifically at Zelenka. Whatever they were doing, it involved McKay doing a lot of contortionist moves. John studied the scientist critically. He wasn't checking him out, mind you. Just checking on his conditioning. There was no question. The year with food hard to come by, and missions where running for dear life was a regular occurrence, had actually done McKay a world of good. He'd slimmed down and packed on muscle. The scientist leaned into the cockpit again, and John noted the way his pants pulled against the back of his thighs and his ass. Okay. Maybe he was checking him out a little. But he had that perfect combination of firm muscle and soft flesh that John loved so much. And he was sturdier than most women, so John wouldn't even have to worry about breaking him if things got rough. Not that things would after get rough. Not that things would ever get anything with McKay, he chided himself, feeling his face flush. McKay had a thing for the botanist, and that was that.

"Colonel!"

John jumped, nearly knocking Beckett over as he spun to face the man.

"Sorry, er, Doc. What was that?" John frowned. Of course, Rodney had kissed Beckett, even if it had supposedly been Cadman doing the kissing, so maybe he wasn't completely sold on whats-her-face. But if he was sold on Beckett, that was no good either. Of course, Cadman had followed Beckett over and sunk her talons deep into his elbow, so maybe no worries there. John let his eyes drift back to Rodney's ample ass, chewing on his lower lip.

"John, you're still not listening to me." Carson's voice held a hint of a scold, and John flushed again.

"Sorry, sorry. Just distracted." He thought he caught a smirk from Cadman, but she covered it with a cough.

"What on Earth are you thinking about, John?" Carson squinted at him worriedly.

"Oh, uh, just, you know. The Wraith." John swallowed, thinking fast.

"What about them?"

John blanched. "Well, you know. Are they insects or are they humans?"

"What?" Carson frowned in confusion.

"Why?" Rodney had pulled his head back out of the craft and was listening curiously.

"Well, ah, because, you know. I was just wondering." John swallowed. He had no idea what he was wondering. "I was just wondering how they, you know, uh, do it."

Carson blinked. Cadman giggled. Rodney gaped. Zelenka banged his head on the craft's wing and swore in Czech.

"Maj - I mean, Colonel. I worry about you sometimes." Rodney turned back to the shuttle, shaking his head.

~~~


"Why won't the Gate activate, McKay?" John could hear the exhaustion in his own voice. It had been a long two days of negotiations for himself, Teyla, Rodney, Cadman (who had been around far too much lately), and a pile of baby marines.

"It's called power, Colonel."

John sighed. "Meaning what?"

"Well, you know what electricity is, right?" Rodney paused, apparently waiting for a response John wasn't offering. "Oh, okay, well, you know how back on Earth when you turn the lights on and-"

"McKay!" John rubbed his eyes with his thumb and index finger. "I think I know what electricity is."

Cadman snickered. "Oh, but I so wanted to hear him explain it, Colonel!"

John glared at her.

"That's because you're an imbecile, Cadman," Rodney snapped. "You could be a good scientist. Instead, you blow things up."

John just let them have at it, watching Cadman feign hurt.

"Shucks, Rodney. I was going to say how much I just love to hear you talk, almost as much as you love to hear yourself talk! I so miss your voice now that I'm not in your head all the time!"

McKay looked like he couldn't decide how serious she was. He let out a frustrated huff of air and turned back towards the Stargate.

"I'm going to make this thing work now. You Squids just stand there and twiddle your thumbs until I'm done."

John shot a glance towards Cadman. She just shrugged.

"McKay, absolutely zero of us are what one might call 'Squids.'"

"Shhh! I'm working!"

John rolled his eyes and leaned back against the DHD, keeping an eye on his scientist. He motioned for the marines to spread out and set up a perimeter until power was established. He wasn't expecting trouble, but you couldn't be too careful.

He watched Rodney digging on his hands and knees at the base of the 'Gate, ass thrust up in the air. It really was remarkably curvaceous. But in a good way. Once, it might have been called a more traditional 'bubble butt.' Now, it had a pleasant, perky firmness. John couldn't help but wonder what it had looked like in Rodney's youth. Had the scientist always been chubby? Or had he been a skinny kid, like John? With that ass, and those lips, and those blue eyes (and since when had John started noticing more than the ass?), he very well could have been utterly pretty in his youth. John idly ran his thumb up and down and up and down his P-90, grounding himself in the sensation.

"John?"

"What?" John jumped, licking his lips nervously. He hadn't heard Teyla speaking to him. This being distracted in the field could be bad news. Very bad news. He'd have to be careful about when he let himself get 'distracted.'

"I merely said that I was glad we were able to negotiate for the grain, despite Corporal Thomas'... What do you call it? A faux pas?" Teyla pushed a loose strand of auburn hair behind her ear and smiled serenely at John.

John nodded weakly. "Yeah. That works. I'm glad too."

"What were you thinking about so intently, If I may ask?"

"You can," John hedged. What had he been thinking about? "I, uh, actually, I was calculating Pi to the 312th decimal place. Well, that's where I was, anyway."

"Bull!" Rodney shouted, and Cadman let out a snort of her own.

"Why bull?"

"No way can you do that!"

"3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971693993751058209749445923078164062862089-"

"Enough!" Rodney snapped from the 'Gate. "I get the picture. You're bored. I'm sorry I can't fix the freaking Stargate for you fast enough, Major. Colonel. Sheppard."

"But that's only seventy nine-"

"Enough!"

~~~


"He was thinking about red-rumped baboons."

John choked on nothing, staring at Cadman's evil smirk.

"Excuse me?" Colonel Caldwell, the stick as high up his ass as ever, stiffened, obviously anticipating an insult.

John eyed the inventory list in Caldwell's hands, wondering what exactly he'd just missed. Rodney was making noises over the crates of coffee, and he just hadn't been able to focus.

"No, really." Cadman grinned. "We were debating earlier whether they're apes or monkeys."

"Why where you debating something like that?" Rodney, who had roused himself from his multiple orgasms over something that was probably, at best, Folgers, looked aghast at John and Cadman.

"Because those evil things on P7X-903 were like demonic baboons," John improvised, wondering why exactly Cadman had rescued him.

"I thought the zoologists were dealing with those." Rodney stuck his head back in the coffee shipment and breathed deeply, letting out a contented sigh.

"Yes, but the zoologists didn't get all that shit thrown at them," John snapped, then glanced at Caldwell. "Sir. I mean that literally, Sir."

Caldwell chuckled, running a hand over his bald head. "Sheppard, from my admittedly limited knowledge of monkeys, I think that means they liked you." He grinned, then turned to review another inventory list with one of John's marines.

Cadman poked John in the ribs and leaned in close. "Maybe McKay will throw his shit at you," she whispered.

"Lieutenant!" He squeak-choked.

~~~


John loved watching Rodney moon over Ancient tech. It made him feel - and he was loathe to admit this - but it made him feel warm and fuzzy. On the rare occasion that he was feeling comfortable enough with himself to ponder such things, he wondered what it would be like to have Rodney devote that kind of attention to him. In fact, that's what he'd been wondering when he accidentally shorted out the Ancient 'doohickey.' He stupidly told Rodney he was thinking about hockey.

"Hockey?"

"Hockey."

"You like football."

"Sure. And hockey." John offered a lopsided grin.

"And that's why you never want to watch it with me." Rodney carefully reclaimed the doohickey and moved it to the 'all used up' shelves, where most of the Ancient doohickeys and thingamajigs unfortunately resided.

"Well, it makes me mad," John lied, rubbing his palms on his jeans. He was off-duty, but he'd wanted to hang out with his scientist.

"So mad that you burn out Ancient devices."

"Yes," John nodded sagely.

"What about it?"

"Um." John swallowed. "Icing. Bad icing calls."

Rodney stared at him with some concern. "John? I think maybe you should see Heightmeyer about this anger issue of yours."

~~~


What he'd actually been thinking about was Cadman stopping him in the hall, poking him in the chest, and saying, "You know, he likes you too, doofus." He'd been so surprised he hadn't even called her out on the insubordination of it all.

What he told Elizabeth and Rodney when they asked why he was so distracted? "Nipples."

It was the first thing that popped into his head, the three of them standing in Elizabeth's chilly office. And then he watched the two of them both very carefully cross their arms over their chests, and he pondered the relative merits of suicide by pen, kicking himself in the jewels, and standing there awkwardly.

"Err, no, I mean-" Awkward won.

"John, when was the last time you took a day off?" Elizabeth's tone was measured, tolerant - maybe a bit worried.

"Um."

"For that matter, your whole team? I think you're all due for a duty-free day. No saving the city for one day. Major Lorne and Dr. Zelenka can handle themselves, I think. Just... Get some rest. That's an order, John, if it has to be."

~~~


"Parcheesi?" McKay stood in John's doorway with a game box and two lidded plates from the mess hall. "And brunch!" he offered with a grin.

John blinked. "Not chess?"

The scientist shrugged, then smirked. "Your brain is Swiss cheese these past couple of weeks. Wasn't sure you could handle chess on your day off."

"Your concern is touching, McKay," John grumbled, but stepped aside for the other man to enter.


"I only want what's best for you, Colonel!" He walked over to the table and chairs where they always played, his ass highlighted in tight, light-rinse jeans.

John swallowed. "Right, I'm sure that's what you want."

Rodney set the food on the table and turned back, an eyebrow raised. "I didn't realize I was that transparent, John."

"What?" John heard his own voice squeak, but that couldn't have possibly been him. He fiddled uneasily with the hem of his own black tee, halted uncertainly in the middle of the room.

"I was going to seduce you with food and fun, but if you've already figured me out, I suppose there's just no point, is there?" Rodney lowered his eyelids, peeked out at John through long lashes.

"What?" John's voice was even higher, and he wondered vaguely if he was regressing back through puberty.

Rodney sighed and turned towards the door. "Sorry. My mistake. I thought I'd read you right, but if not, can we just pretend this never happened?"

"What?"

The other man paused, poised to wave his hand over the sensor that would let him exit. He cocked a hip, then glanced back towards John, lips formed into a slight pout. "Last chance, John..."

"Rodney..." The single word came out a strangled growl, eliciting a smirk from the scientist.

"Yes?"

"Get your ass back here."

~~~


several months later...

"I love you, even if you are too smart for the Air Force and too dumb to recognize when someone loves you."

John smirked across the table at Rodney. "I'm still gonna capture your pawn," he said, nodding at the Parcheesi board.

Rodney shrugged. "That's okay. You need your ego boosted occasionally."

John barked a surprised laugh. "I love your ass, too."

Rodney grinned. "I love that you love my ass." He paused. "But I love you, John. You know that, right?"

"Yeah. Like, 85% of me knows that."

"And the other 15%?"

"Flies nukes into hive ships and claims to be thinking about bad icing calls in hockey."

Date: 2012-12-16 10:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ed263.livejournal.com
OMG! I don't think I've laughed so hard in a long time! Thanks! :-)

Date: 2013-01-04 02:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] moose-happy.livejournal.com
I'm glad it tickled your funny bone!

Date: 2012-12-17 12:35 am (UTC)
tarlanx: (McKay - Xmas 2008)
From: [personal profile] tarlanx
Loved poor distracted John :)

Date: 2013-01-04 02:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] moose-happy.livejournal.com
Thanks! He was a lot of fun to write :)

Date: 2012-12-17 01:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] skinscript.livejournal.com
The "nipples!" one and the reaction from Elizabeth and Rodney cracked me up. Well done.

Date: 2013-01-04 02:19 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] moose-happy.livejournal.com
Thanks! I'm glad it amused you.

Date: 2012-12-17 03:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] panisdead.livejournal.com
I love John passing off his distraction on fury over bad icing calls!

Date: 2013-01-04 02:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] moose-happy.livejournal.com
Thanks! I channeled my own days of playing hockey and how irritating it was when that happened :-P

SGA Newsletter - December 16, 2012

Date: 2012-12-17 03:40 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] livejournal.livejournal.com
User [livejournal.com profile] neevebrody referenced to your post from SGA Newsletter - December 16, 2012 (http://sga-newsletter.livejournal.com/678623.html) saying: [...] : The Many Musings of One John Sheppard (McKay/Sheppard, PG13) [...]

Date: 2012-12-17 07:55 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] camshaft22.livejournal.com
I loved this. Especially the Hockey bits. Oh Johnnnnnnn

Date: 2013-01-04 02:21 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] moose-happy.livejournal.com
Oh John indeed :-D Thanks!

Date: 2012-12-17 08:12 am (UTC)
ext_384643: (Rodney/John happy)
From: [identity profile] sexycazzy.livejournal.com
That was hilarious! Poor John being distracted and having to make up poor excuses for him wandering off and drooling over Rodney! ;)

Loved this!

Date: 2013-01-04 02:21 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] moose-happy.livejournal.com
He didn't have a prayer! Thanks!

Date: 2012-12-17 09:33 am (UTC)
shaddyr: (Default)
From: [personal profile] shaddyr
Yay! Much amusement and no angst to be seen!

Thanks, Santa!

Date: 2013-01-04 02:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] moose-happy.livejournal.com
You're welcome! I'm glad you were amused :) Happy Holidays!

Date: 2012-12-18 05:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ozsaur.livejournal.com
Nipples! LOL

Very amusing! *g*

Date: 2013-01-04 02:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] moose-happy.livejournal.com
Nipples indeed! Glad you were amused :)

Date: 2012-12-18 12:06 pm (UTC)
From: [personal profile] popkin16
I can't say that I blame John :) Rodney has a fantastic ass, and I myself have often thought about what I would do to it given a chance. This was hilarious - my favorite part was John blurting out "Nipples." and Rodney and Elizabeth crossing their arms over their chests in reaction XD Poor, awkward John - at least things worked out well for him in the end!

Date: 2013-01-04 02:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] moose-happy.livejournal.com
In hindsight, them *both* crossing their arms was even funnier than I realized at the time :-D And I love Rodney for his brain - of course he'd figure out what the "problem" was!

Date: 2012-12-18 07:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fioletova.livejournal.com
Oh, John :DDD
It was really nice and funny. Thank you, Santa <3

Date: 2013-01-04 02:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] moose-happy.livejournal.com
He really is oblivious! Glad you liked :)

Date: 2012-12-24 08:35 pm (UTC)
ext_442067: (adorkable)
From: [identity profile] squidgiepdx.livejournal.com
OMG... Bad icing calls?!?!?! John, I'm a huge hockey nerd, and even *I'm* not that bad! ;)

Very well written, and quite a fun read!! Well done!

Date: 2013-01-04 02:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] moose-happy.livejournal.com
I have no fury, but I was channeling my own playing days. I hated it when someone (on either team) sent the puck flying and we all had to reset! Glad you enjoyed :)

Date: 2012-12-25 08:28 pm (UTC)
runpunkrun: batman looking grim in a santa hat (he knows if you've been bad or good)
From: [personal profile] runpunkrun
I can never get enough of John checking Rodney out, and the part where he blurts out "nipples" and Elizabeth and Rodney cross their arms over their chests -- hilarious!

Date: 2013-01-04 02:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] moose-happy.livejournal.com
Yeah, them *both* crossing their arms was funnier in hindsight than I'd even realized :) Glad you liked!

Date: 2012-12-29 08:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] that-which.livejournal.com
"Nipples."

It was the first thing that popped into his head, the three of them standing in Elizabeth's chilly office. And then he watched the two of them both very carefully cross their arms over their chests, and he pondered the relative merits of suicide by pen, kicking himself in the jewels, and standing there awkwardly.


<3

Date: 2013-01-04 02:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] moose-happy.livejournal.com
<3 Thanks!

Date: 2012-12-31 10:22 pm (UTC)
ext_15707: (Heart McShep)
From: [identity profile] aqualegia.livejournal.com
Poor John; so distracted and they still managed to get together in the end. YAY.

Date: 2013-01-04 02:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] moose-happy.livejournal.com
Well, Rodney always figures the problem out in the end :-D

Date: 2013-01-02 12:02 am (UTC)
danceswithgary: (Default)
From: [personal profile] danceswithgary
So many giggles in this! :-D

Date: 2013-01-04 02:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] moose-happy.livejournal.com
Thanks! Glad it amused you :)

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